11 Things Not to Say to an Autistic Person 

I have been told many claims and comments regarding autism from non-autistic people over the course of my life. These comments aren’t always meant to be offensive, but many are misdirected and unsubstantiated – rather showing a lack of knowledge and understanding of autism (and failure to do any research that may back up their claims). Even if one’s words weren’t intended to cause upset, if it ends up hurting a marginalized group in the process, then it’s high time to buck up and listen quietly as to why you were in the wrong. That said, this is a list that’s personal to me – and while I know many autistics that agree with what is written – it’ll never be representative of every autistic individual that you may come across.

• You don’t look/seem autistic

There is no ‘look’ to autism, it doesn’t present itself physically, hence why it is known as an ‘invisible disability’.  So, any look you might have in your mind is a mere stereotype that you’ve been clinging to – which is not something you should be openly admitting to the autistic person you are speaking of.

Converse to whatever was intended by the statement, every single autistic person I know personally finds this one particularly insulting because it suggests that because the person doesn’t appear to be disabled and/or doesn’t fit neatly in with the preconceptions of what autistic people are supposed to look/seem/act like, that individual therefore cannot possibly be autistic. In some cases, the implication might even be that the autistic person is ‘doing well’, which also suggests that looking/acting ‘normal’ is the criterion to which every autistic person should aspire to.

• Everyone’s a little autistic

No they are not, you are born autistic, or you aren’t, there is no in-between or middle ground here.

There is no doubt plenty of allistic people who may have 1, 2 or maybe even more of what are considered autistic traits, but that doesn’t automatically mean they are autistic. There are clear guidelines to be considered for a diagnosis to be given, and as far as medical science goes, if you don’t meet the standardized threshold, then you aren’t autistic.

Moreover, those who make this claim (again, regardless of intention) are trivializing the difficulties and struggles of autistic people by trying to apply them to all humans in general. It completely invalidates the experiences of autistic people.

• Vaccines cause autism 

This is a particularly dangerous claim that has done a lot of damage within both the autistic community and the medical industry, while simultaneously giving anti-vaxxers rhetoric to work with to spout their nonsense.

For reference, this misconception dates to 1998 in England, when The Lancet, a prominent medical journal, released a paper by Andrew Wakefield that claimed there was a link between the MMR vaccine and autism.

These claims were found out to be falsified, and that Wakefield had acted fraudulently in relation to having multiple undeclared conflicts of interest; manipulating evidence and breaking ethical codes in the study. He was subsequently completely discredited as an academic and struck off the medical register as a physician. The Lancet went on to retract the paper in its entirety and apologize.

What’s the moral here? Do your own research! As with anything in life, if you can’t find the information to back up a claim, or want more information, then do your research rather than blindly believing everything you read online or hear from others.

• Autism isn’t a disability 

Unless you’re autistic yourself, then you have no authority to make such claims, especially when directing them at an autistic person. You don’t have to live with it, it doesn’t affect you (even if you’re a family member of an autistic person, it isn’t affecting you in the same way as that person), so it is worth considering why you are telling autistic people how to think and feel regarding their disability.

The same applies to the ‘autism is a superpower’ crowd. There are plenty of autistic people I have seen that apply this statement to themselves or find comfort in it for themselves. That’s a personal choice. However, it is important that autistic individuals can make such statements themselves as only they are qualified to decide what works for them.  There are many of us who find this statement very dismissive of our own personal struggles – in the same vein as point 2. I understand the thinking behind others’ need to reframe a disability into something else, but ‘disability’ is not a dirty word. Let’s call it what it is, please.

• Autism is a mental disorder 

No, it isn’t. There’s not much more to say here than do your research before spreading misinformation, please. Autism is a developmental disability, and if you don’t understand the difference between the 2, then maybe THIS might be a good place to start.

And as a side note, yes, autistic people are more prone to having mental health issues than their allistic counterparts, but these are primarily related to external societal factors and pressures, and regardless of the reasons, the two should never be conflated with one another.

• So, I guess you’re high functioning? 

Functioning labels are now considered redundant, and many advocates will tell you how harmful they are. ‘High functioning’ has been used to deny the needs, accommodations and support of the autistic person, while also ignoring their difficulties. While ‘Low functioning’ has been used to deny any form of autonomy or ability to the autistic person. Try using ‘high or low support needs’ instead.

As well as being irrelevant, these labels are invalidating to the person they are aimed at and are a statement with a focus on the negatives of being autistic, and how the presence of the autistic person affects those around them.

Many are now adopting the terms ‘high support needs’ and ‘low support needs’ as an alternative. These replacements aim to take away the prejudice of who they are as a person, but also lets others know what to expect in terms of how much help they may require.

• You can’t be autistic, you are…(insert profession, relationship status, hobby, personality trait etc. here) 

Yes, I can be autistic despite that unrelated thing you just mentioned, because I am autistic! If you try to use this reasoning, then the problem clearly lies in your understanding of autism and the autistic experience. More than likely, anyone with these views has a wholly superficial knowledge of autism.

Being a highly diverse spectrum, being autistic does not define what someone can or can’t do – you need to look on a more individual level for that, and not tar everyone with the same brush.

• “I thought all autistic people were like Sheldon Cooper (or Rainman)” 

Please let go of these kinds of stereotypes. Autistic savants (which these stereotypes seemingly portray) do exist, but they are rare and represent a relatively small percentage of those who have been diagnosed as autistic.

“But these can be seen as positives. Why is that bad?”, you might find yourself asking. Nobody likes stereotypes, not even ones that can be viewed as ‘positive’. The reasoning? – because these views can make people who don’t fit this mold feel inadequate, and those holding this benevolent prejudice become disappointed in said individual when those expectations are not met.

Not every autistic person is what many might call a ‘genius’ and such expectations should never be placed on any individual. Holding someone on an unrealistic pedestal like that is probably just going to lead to disappointment on both sides.

• Autism is just a label; you don’t need to label yourself like that 

This is tied into point 4 in some instances, but in some others it hasn’t, so I will keep it as a separate point.

So, to be clear, autism is a label, but it’s also an identity and an explanation.

Labels are all around us, and as much as we may like to, we cannot escape them. Being autistic is no more or less of a label than being of a certain sexuality, race, nationality, religion, etc. If we’re going to ditch disability labels, then I guess we need to ditch all the other labels too, right? What we really need here is a complete reframing of the discussion.

Furthermore, labels cannot change the inherent characteristics that the autistic person will have no control over; i.e. autism, sexuality, ethnicity etc. Rather, they change the way in which one sees themselves – and this, depending on one’s mindset, can either be positive or negative.

Having a formal autism diagnosis does have some drawbacks (which I won’t be discussing in this post). However, it gives autistic people the much-needed confirmation and validation that they may have been previously seeking, or even unaware that they needed – because they have been treated differently or felt different from others. Many are often left feeling alienated, seeking answers and misidentifying their own struggles as being unique to them, and that nobody else could possibly feel that way.

Having your own label in the form of a diagnosis can give individuals a sense of belonging and community that cannot and should not be ignored.

And to go back to labels, autistic people are labeled negatively all the time as bad, rude, weird, stupid, childish…the list goes on. Surely, these are the very labels that should be ditched, don’t you think? Do not dismiss another’s identity, especially when it can be the most self-affirming label they have ever been given by society.

• “I’m sorry” 

This one goes for anyone with a disability. Unless they are specifically looking for sympathy directly from you, then you should not verbally indicate out loud that you are sorry for their diagnosis.

I personally don’t know any autistic person who is seeking pity when they disclose their diagnosis to others. Rather, they are doing this to provide an explanation to the other party. While being autistic certainly comes with its own set of challenges for living in a neurotypical world, many autistic people do not view their disability as a tragedy, so do not assume that they do.

• Can you have sex as an autistic person? 

Yes, but not with you – thankfully.

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